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Tuesday 16 January 2018

Fresh

I thought I was ready to 'dip my toes' into life last year. I was wrong. I don't think this was a constructive thought for me, when in fact I actually needed to fall apart.  Why did I think I had to push myself to start small when I didn't want to?

Last year was an awful year for me. There were so many things that were going on that I didn't have the clarity of mind to properly express or emotionally deal with.

I learnt that even events that people consider 'happy', can be quite stressful, emotionally draining and contribute to poor mental health and inability to cope with life in your usual way.

In no particular order, last year I: bought my first house with my husband (incurring a major mortgage), moved, experienced the deaths of loved ones in our immediate family, had significant job stability changes with multiple levels of adjustment, changed job roles, adopted a cat, experienced illness and changes to my usual health, and sought help for depression.

When you add these stressors to a chronic illness, things can spiral. Actually, those stressors on their own are enough, never mind my diabetes!

I can't say I coped well with all the changes in my life last year. I can't say that I was 'strong' and that I said and did the right things the whole time. I can't say I considered my diabetes in these situations and managed everything well. I can't say that I carried on despite everything.

Because I didn't. I let my life turn to shit. I wallowed in misery and a constant feeling of being insecure about the present moments I was living in and my future. There was so much for me to comprehend that I didn't know where to start. I tried a few times but the 'get up and go' attitude I usually rely on had gone walking.

I ended 2017 on my couch, miserably ill (an extra Christmas gift from my lovely nephew) and reflecting on all the hard, awful things that had happened. I started 2018 in my bed, miserably ill, and sound asleep. I didn't make a new years resolution. Instead I set some self care goals. I identified what I would like to do for myself. What could I do to make myself feel secure in my life again?

I am doing little things. In December I sought professional help for my mental health. Last week I bought a nice new work outfit and paid way more money than my cheap ass would normally part with. Then I wore that nice new work outfit and felt awesome.  Today I am writing a blog, because depression stopped me from doing my usual favourite activities and GODDAMN, I MISS WRITING. I was wary about writing again. I first wanted to write a few weeks ago but didn't have the confidence in myself to know where to start, or to know that I could continue.

What would I write about? Would it be all doom and gloom? Well, I guess it sort of is today. Pen to paper (or fingers to keys) is how I have always expressed myself. So maybe I let the doom and gloom leach from my fingertips and become absorbed by the bright machine screen.

I can only do the things that I can do, no matter how slow that process is.


2 comments:

  1. I think when we get to the point when nothing is working either physically or mentally it is great to reach out for professional help. I have and it has been a great thing for me. I wish you continued success.

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  2. This isn't all doom and gloom. The very fact you can write this is proof of that. You are taking the steps you need to in the time you need to. The signs of light at the end of the tunnel are reflections of your own inner brilliance.

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